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Revealed -- Mint Conspiracy Holds Tooth Brushers
Hostage!
By
David Leonhardt
Some things are as
boring as the dust that clings to your TV screen.
Take toothpaste, for example. If you happen to be a radical mint
enthusiast, brushing your teeth might be the highlight of your day.
You might have the shiniest teeth in town. You might not want to
interrupt your brushing for dinner ... unless the menu includes mint
jelly pâté.
I remember one of my favorite comic strips, when Adam was trying so
hard to diet. Of course, my memory is fading faster than my jeans,
but here is roughly how it went:
FRAME ONE: Adam is sneaking back into bed, when his wife asks if he
had been snacking.
FRAME TWO: She gives him a passionate kiss ... or at least as
passionate as a two-dimensional, black and white cartoon character
can give.
FRAME THREE: No. All "fresh and minty", she concludes.
FRAME FOUR: Adam thinks to himself: "Should be. I ate three tubes of
toothpaste."
For those of us who use toothpaste for brushing, it is at best
bearable. There is obviously collusion at the highest levels of the
mint flavor industry to squash our democratic right to a full range
of toothpaste flavors.
But what if the Big Mint stranglehold could be broken? What if
brushing our teeth could become a custom-designed exhilaration? What
if toothpaste came in as many flavors as, say, jelly beans?
We recently tried some new jelly bean flavors on our wedding
anniversary. (Oh, come on. What could be more romantic than a romp
through the jelly bean dispensers?)
The strawberry daiquiri jelly beans tasted delicious. So did the
strawberry cheesecake ones. The buttered popcorn ones were so- so,
but the caramel popcorn jelly beans were oh-so yummy.
We tried the chocolate fudge flavor and the chocolate pudding
flavor, but we passed over the chocolate covered grasshopper flavor.
They had three kinds of melon, four flavors of apple and three
different toffee flavored jelly beans. But toothpaste comes in just
mint. Do I hear you say, "Conspiracy theory"?
Even Little Lady's finger paints come in eight tantalizing fruit
flavors. Huh? Why would something parents try so hard to discourage
kids from putting in their mouths smell like blueberries and bananas
and cherries, when the toothpaste we try so hard to encourage them
to put in their mouths comes in just mint.
In fairness, Little Lady's edible toothpaste (Most toothpaste is
inedible - imagine that!) comes in two flavors: berry and bubble gum
... but that's not much of a choice. Surely Big Mint will soon shut
down this renegade operation muscling in on their territory.
I want to see the same creativity go into toothpaste flavors as went
into "Hot Fudge Sundae" Pop Tarts. Or the Plymouth Prowler retro
dragster. Or those chocolate covered grasshopper jelly beans.
As I write this column from behind the wheel of my car - in a
parking lot, of course - I see so many people pass by. Tall people.
Short people. Thin people. Neat people. Sloppy people. Human people.
Canine people. People carrying. People riding. People smiling.
People frowning. If there are so many types of people, and my
grocery store stocks 72 types of cereal and 37 types of crackers,
doesn't it seem just a little spooky that none of the toothpaste
manufacturers are willing to stand up to Big Mint?
Variety is the spice of life. Don't let Big Mint oppress you. Don't
let the mint-enthusiast bullies stifle your democratic right to free
taste.
There is no conclusive evidence that a handful of pumpkin-pie-
flavored jelly beans will derail your diet more than three tubes of
"fresh and minty" toothpaste. So enjoy your multicultural jelly
beans ... even if you are on a diet.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
David Leonhardt publishes
The Happy Guy Humor Column
And
A Daily Dose of Happiness
The Happy Guy
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