Just because we moved
out to the country a couple years back does NOT mean we want to run a
farm. Tending to animals is just not how we want to spend our time. We
don't want cows or sheep or chickens. We don't want hogs or ducks. We
don't even want a dog or a cat to train.
OK, so my wife says that she wants a cat, but that's only because she
knows I won't have anything to do with it. I suspect that if I ever
said, "OK, you win. Let's get a cat", she would run screaming down the
stairs pulling at her hair and just keep on running...causing damage
to the stairway carpet, not to mention the window at the bottom of the
staircase.
We don't want a parrot or a rabbit or a hamster or even a mouse.
But when you live in the country, you have pets, whether you like it
or not.
The first summer, we were welcomed by Muffet the skunk. Although she
never responded to that name, we let her keep it. She just loved our
compost heap. In fact, she had a frequent-eater pass at the
all-you-can-eat compost buffet.
The second summer we were skunk-free, but this summer we were blessed
with a new traveling perfume salesman. We did not name him, but we
have determined that he is on a diet. He stays away from the
all-you-can-eat compost buffet.
He is also much less intelligent than Muffet. When we see him, we jump
and shout and wave our hands to get his attention,. But we usually
have to get his attention three or four times before something in his
microbe-sized brain clicks in and says, "Wait a minute. That's not the
hot dog vendor beckoning me to clean up his leftovers. Maybe I should
turn around."
But he is smart enough provide a two-tier burglar deterrent. First, he
drives them away with his odor. "Peee-ew. Let's go rob the Jensons
down the road." Second he digs thousands of tiny pits all over the
lawn to trip any burglar foolish enough to try to escape.
And to answer your question, no I did not personally verify the gender
of these skunks. But you are free to check if you doubt my word.
This summer, we discovered an exotic spider. Painted on its inch-long
black back are two bright yellow eyes. Spooky. We even watched it wrap
its prey - a small, light brown flying thingy. With amazing speed, the
spider scurried from the center of her web toward the helpless victim
at least a foot away. Then in a matter of two seconds flat, the spider
spun the fly around three or four times, weaving it into a web cocoon
like rolling a corpse in a carpet behind Luigi's Fine Finer and
Smokes. No gangster could have operated with one tenth the speed.
Just a few hours ago, I was proud to show off a bees nest over a foot
tall hanging from a low branch in our One Acre Woods.
"Wow. It's just like in Winnie the Pooh!" That was Little Lady, now 3
years and 3 months old.
"Destroy it. There must be thousands of bees in there!" That was my
wife.
The fact is that I have
had to destroy a four bees nests in the past three weeks, all between
the stones in our foundation. I am not keen to drive the bees away
from their forest nest and toward the house. In fact, I think I'll
post an arrow sign near the house pointing to the forest: "Cheap rent.
Spacious hive. Vibrant community."
So far, we've avoided the pets inside the house - we won't discuss the
"storm trooper ants incident" or the midnight mouse- trap
peanut-butter visits - and we have kept the hogs and sheep at bay
(although the chickens sheepishly crawl through the fence and the
stray cats like to run hog wild around our land).
No pets, perhaps. But you still have to share your space with skunks
and spiders and bees when you live in the country.
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