A few months ago, I set
out to lose 22.6 pounds, then to put back on at least half of it.
Huh? Anybody who's ever found herself stuck on a yo-yo diet is
probably thinking that I am either crazy or planning way too hard for
the inevitable yo-yo heartaches. However, my plan is more sneaky than
that. First, I want to lose this rubber tire I've been carrying around
my waist. Have you ever gotten stuck inside a rubber tire? It's not a
pretty site.
Then, I want to put back some of that weight in the form of muscle.
It's my grand master plan to change my shape from looking like a silly
pear to looking like an upside down silly pear.
Will it work?
I think I have the "silly" part figured out. And so far, I have
lost14.6 pounds, but I think I really lost a few more, because I have
been getting ahead of schedule on adding those muscle pounds.
I would love to tell you what my weight is now, but that's very
private information. Why should it be so private? I am not 100%
certain, but I believe it is so that people can easily move between
Earth and the Moon without being detected by hidden scales. (Why
people keep their age private is the subject of my column on aging
gracefully
here.)
While there is more to healthy dieting than a few tips, these ten
dieting tips should help you laugh away a few pounds (What a great way
to lose!). Hint: the tips are serious; the explanations are not.
Tip #1: Never eat before bed. This is just common sense. It is so much
more fun to eat IN bed.
Tip #2: Bake, don't fry. This is also common sense. Baking allows you
to retain more friendships. When you bake in the sun, you get a nice
tan and go for a dip in the pool to cool off with your friends. But
when you fry, you get a sunburn and don't dare go in the shower for a
week...which scares your friends away.
Tip #3: Drink plenty of water before meals. This will help you eat
less during the meal. After all, few people can over-eat consistently
while rushing off to the bathroom.
Tip #4: Don't taste-test while you eat. Many cooks taste their dishes
several times while cooking to make sure the flavor is just right.
Over a lifetime, the typical cook who takes such measures will put on
13.4 pounds. Worse still, tasting your cooking in advance deprives you
of entertaining facial scrunches when your family tastes your untested
recipes. (Remember that laughter is a great way to burn calories?)
Tip #5: Don't eat what your kids leave behind. Admit it, after your
kids leave the table, you gather up the food they leave behind. You
just can't bear to throw it away because you know that it's enough to
feed a small, famished African country. So you eat a "second supper"
out of guilt. How can you be so heartless?! Send the leftover food to
that small, famished African country.
Tip #6: Peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches are not all that bad for you, if you eat them in
moderation. But stay away from those dreaded peanut butter and
jellyfish sandwiches.
Tip #7: Blot your pizza to remove 17% of the saturate fats. If you
blot it really well, you can remove 100%. Of course, an empty plate
might require a spicier sauce...
Tip #8: No snacking in front of the TV. Get up. Right now. No
snacking in front of my TV. I don't want crumbs on my living room
carpet.
Tip #9: Schedule your exercise. It's true, if you don't schedule it,
your exercise will get pushed aside by things you do schedule. I
suggest scheduling it during office meetings, dental appointments
and reality TV shows. You wouldn't want to miss anything important,
would you?
Tip #10: This is a good one. Why, because #10 on any top-ten list is
always a good one. Ten is a great number. So tip #10 is to celebrate
every ten pounds lost by preparing a triple chocolate double-dip
cheesecake supreme ice cream parfait deluxe. Go ahead and drool. You
deserve it. And if you think preparing it is fun, just wait until
you lose another 50 pounds ... and have permission to actually eat
it.
I hope these tips help you. On a serious note, most people will lose
a significant amount of weight if they follow these ten tips along
with watching their calories according to any popular healthy
dieting plan. Well...almost. You might not want to follow tip #6.
You will probably lose fewer pounds eating jelly than you would
eating jellyfish.
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