It's amazing what you
can learn about marketing if you can just find the time to spend in
a dentist's waiting room. I was reading a certain woman's magazine,
which will remain nameless because of my allergy to lawsuits. The
magazine obviously has figured out what sells well, given that it
operates on a consistent formula.
For instance, one cover proclaims: "3 sizes slimmer by Memorial
Day". Then, in one corner is a picture of "Cookies 'n Cream Cake",
while in another corner is a picture of "'Lollipups' to brighten
someone's day".
On another cover, the main headline is: "Lose that BELLY FAT!",
while a secondary headline asks, "Can't stop binging?" Just to make
sure that readers can answer, "Yes", there is a nice picture in the
corner of a "Banana Split Cookie Cake" labeled "Yum!", and the
promise of "Family-pleasing Pasta dinners" inside.
See a pattern? Let's try one more. The big headline reads: "Lose 28
lbs by Thanksgiving". How? Perhaps the big picture of a "Oreo Cookie
Cheesecake" labeled "Yum!" will give us a hint. Or the promise of
"Best-ever Potluck recipes".
OK. By now I am sure you see the pattern. That's right - poor
grammar, punctuation and capitalization.
The other pattern is, of course, the secret success formula:
1. Offer you a way to lose weight
2. Tempt you to put the weight right back on
3. Offer you another way to lose weight
I pointed this out to my dentist, hoping he might decide to increase
the quality of reading material in his waiting room.
The next week, I returned to find that my observation had obviously
made an impression on him. There was all new reading material: Yummy
Deserts Magazine, Best Cakes Review, and The Sugar Mountain Weekly.
I noticed the décor had changed, too. Gone were the bare beige
walls. Up were larger-than-life posters of cookies, cakes and ice
cream. And strategically placed around the room were candy dishes.
"What's with all the changes?" I asked.
"It's all your idea," he said. "You are a marketing genius. If I can
get people to start working on their next cavities as they are
walking out from my office, I can increase my business by up to
17%."
As he began to work in my mouth, I noticed a TV screen above. "Datz
nuu," I said.
"Oh yes," he answered, flicking a button. "See? I have it set at the
All-Sugar Channel."
The dentist finished excavating and reassembled what was left of my
mouth.
"Here you go," He said proudly, handing me a lollipop.
"Didn't you used to hand out toothbrushes?" I asked.
"Shh. Don't remind anybody of that. Toothbrushes are bad for
business," he explained.
I just could not believe what I had seen. I headed over to the body
shop to see how my car was doing. A few repairs were needed, thanks
to some bozo on a cell phone who thought that a red light means
"stop when you hit another car".
"How's my car doing, Jack?" I asked.
"It's OK. You didn't get hit too hard," he replied.
"Good thing he was only talking on a cell phone and not watching a
game show on TV when he hit me," I remarked. "Hey did you see what's
going on at the dentist?"
"Yeah, what's he doing with all those cookie posters in his waiting
room?" Jack asked.
I explained how the woman's magazine was building its customer base
by tempting dieters with cakes labeled "yum!"
"It's the dentist's new business development program," I said.
I was about to pay for the repair work when Jack held out a cell
phone and a mini-TV set. "If you take the cell phone, I give you a
five percent discount. Take the TV set and you get a ten percent
discount."
"What are you, doing?" I demanded.
"Hey," replied Jack. "It's my new business development program."
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