Moving beyond the first few dates
In Part I of this two part series, I discussed how to find a date, how to perfect your online profile and discussion topics. In this part, I want to discuss relationships and how to succeed in one.
Once you have conquered the dating scene, how do you inspire the person who has sparked your interest in a relationship to want the same? That can be the hardest stepping stone for those who always seem to date, but never find a partner.
Why is that? There are many reasons that can factor into that. You may be giving off signals that say you’re too needy or desperate for a healthy relationship partner to be interested in or perhaps you’re drawn to the ‘dangerous type,’ better known as the serial dater or heartbreaker.
If any of these scenarios fit your description, you need to look is inside yourself and make a change. I am certain you’ve heard, “Before you can find the ‘right person,’ you must be the ‘right person.’” Sound familiar?
You can be given all the information you need to find someone but if you are the same person with the same values and belief’s about yourself you’ve always held, you will attract the same type you have always attracted in the past.
You have to be the right person naturally. You can’t make yourself into the right person, but improving your self-talk and how you feel about yourself will attract the right person for you. You will never be the right person until you are the right person, meaning that you have to make the way you think and feel about yourself right.
The law of attraction is: Similar kinds attract similar kinds. So first you must get your own life together and stop putting out the vibes of “I’m desperate to be in a relationship.” “If I could just find the one, I would be the one.” Or “Once I am in a healthy relationship I will be able to calm down and be happy.”
You need to calm down and be happy before you meet the right person or you will end up in the same cycle you have always been, “with the wrong person.” A rule of thumb is this: If you wouldn’t date or marry you as you are right now, why would anyone else? Change the way you feel about yourself inside and the rest will fall into place. You can’t be part of a great relationship until you are great yourself.
A simple step that may seem silly, but is highly effective is to step in front of your mirror and repeat several times a day the following (even if you are a man do this. No one will be watching you but you): “You are gorgeous darling!” “I love me so much!” (Throw your arms around yourself.) “I am worthy of the best!” and other affirming statements.
Remember that all statements are statements of self-disclosure. You will automatically attract what you believe about yourself both consciously and unconsciously. Did you know that our subconscious mind controls 87% of our thinking? Our conscious mind only controls 13%! If you have built in your subconscious mind with your conscious talk that you aren’t worthy, that’s what will be projected and you will attract those that aren’t worthy. This exercise is to reprogram your subconscious mind.
The next step is to change your pattern. While the man or woman you are dating may look different, sound different and come from an entirely different background from the other “bad relationships” you’ve had, are they really different? The philosopher George Santayana said, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” In other words, if you want the same results, do the same things you have always done. If you want different results then you’ve got to do something different!
To get different results you may need to ask outside advice from objective observers. If you have already changed how you feel about yourself you should be attracting different people. However, if you seem to still attract “bad relationships,” you may need a second opinion. Use someone you trust who is in a great relationship to offer their advice.
Now that you’ve changed how you feel about yourself, how do you keep a relationship an ever lasting one? With rumors flying about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s break-up on the horizon (what a shocker!); millions of pages dedicated to the separation and divorce of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson (I was hopeful, but wary). Where is the hope for the rest of us?
How can we, as “mere mortals,” believe in ever lasting love? In the back of our minds we think that these celebrities have everything any couple could possibly need to enjoy the happiest “ever after” life imagined. I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say, “If only we had more money;” “A bigger house;” “If I were better looking;” “If I lost more weight;” “My life would be perfect;” “Our relationship wouldn’t have so much stress;” “I would be happy.”
We look at the famous and say, “They are the ‘beautiful’ people.” “They travel the world.” “They have beautiful mansions and lots of money.” “They have an army of people waiting to do their bidding: publicists, managers, accountants, housekeepers and chiefs.” “If only I were in their shoes.”
What a great example and lesson to all of us “not so fortunate” people who aren’t blessed with ‘their’ lives and the kind of money they posses; that neither money nor physical perfection makes a relationship happy or successful.
Time, effort and determination are what make a relationship thrive. I’m not implying that these celebrities don’t put the time and effort into their relationships needed, only that all the things we say, “If only we had…” won’t make our relationships last longer or be any happier than theirs were.
Key factors to a lasting relationship are laughter, a sense of humor about life as well as a lot of hard work. These three things have always been a common thread for every successful, happy, long-term relationship I have interviewed over the years. Every one of the couples state the same thing: Work hard; don’t go to bed angry, resolving “issues” right away; and laugh with each other often.
I was told that people who read the comic strips in their newspaper first live longer while people who head straight for the news or obituaries tend to live shorter lives. I haven’t been able to find the study that backs this up, but it makes sense. Most balanced comedians, without drug and alcohol problems, live longer lives and have happier marriages.
All of the steps listed here that take you from finding a date to ever lasting love are only a small sampling of ideas and help. Remember to start at the shallow end before you dive into the deep waters, a life vest may not always be available.
The last tip I will leave you with is something I call Soul Gazing. It’s the simple technique of gazing into your partner’s eyes. I usually recommend 15 minutes, but in the beginning, 2-3 minutes is fine. No talking, no looking away. I have seen this technique strengthen relationships that were already strong and help those relationships that were on the brink of disaster. Try it.
If you want to have the love you deserve, remember my simple rule: Love is a gift, it’s not a right. Love is a decision, it’s not a feeling. Make the decision to change how you feel about yourself and how you treat others and you too can have the lasting and deep love you deserve.
Jaci Rae author of:
Winning Points with the Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time