There are few four
letter words that conjure up a mixture of fear and/or elation like
the word Love. Many confuse lust, infatuation, and ‘a crush’ for
love, so let me explain a little bit about all of these chemical
reactions. As unromantic as it may sound, the chemistry of love is
really just that, chemicals that flow through our body, causing us
to act and react in certain ways.
In the dating stages (also a four letter word when used without the
ing, D-A-T-E. Just a piece of trivia.), there is a potent rush of
chemicals that surge through our body, many times causing a woman to
become emotionally irrational and a man may become seemingly
Some women have urgent thoughts like: “When will I see him again?”
“Why didn’t he call?” “Does he like me?” “If he liked me he would
call right away.” While some men play it cool trying not to seem
overzealous. “She’s hot. I think I’ll ask her out again on Friday.”
(And then they don’t call until Friday to ask you out!) Other men
pine over past conversations and wonder if the woman liked them.
Once a relationship reaches the touchy feely stage and passion is
part of the picture, our body begins to heat up and adrenaline
starts to pump through our veins, causing flushing and heavier
breathing. It also causes the release of endorphins, which can
dominate our rational thought patterns. That’s not an excuse for not
listening to the word ‘no’ or for lack of self-control.
Once we have entered into the ‘love’ stage, it’s another arena
altogether. While the cocktail potion we had in our bodies prior to
the ‘love’ stage is still there, it has calmed down quite a bit and
our bodies don’t release as many chemicals thus becoming less
lively. For women a sense of nesting may set in and for men the
urgent need to conquer quiets down with their victory. The beginning
of this stage varies from person to person, but the average onset is
somewhere between six months to a year from the time we first begin
to date someone.
Some people mistake this lack of heated excitement for falling out
of love and others are so addicted to the initial chemicals, much
like someone who has a substance addiction that when the “lovin’
feeling’ is gone, they move on as well.
These types of individuals may always yearn for the initial rush of
excitement caused in the beginning phases of a relationship. When
they don’t get it and believe love is gone (i.e. the chemicals are
no longer rushing through their veins) they go through partner after
partner in order to get that chemical cocktail into their blood
again. Most don’t even realize they are addicted to the chemical
potion and blame the “loss of love” on a ‘bad fit.’
However, true love is not a feeling, it’s a decision that anyone can
make every single day. Love thinks things like: “Where were you? I
was worried.” “What can I do to provide for your needs?” “What’s for
dinner?” “Do I have any clean underwear?” and other ordinary
In the same way that we love our close knit family members, even
after a heated argument, we love our partners. We don’t wake up the
next morning to greet our brother or sister after a heated argument
and in the afternoon, when they are in need of some vital assistance
walk away because we don’t have a feeling attached to their urgent
need for help.
We decide to help them because we have forgiven whatever
transgressions occurred and we chose to love them despite prior
happenings. We get on with it so to speak. So too must those people
“in love” get on with it and get over it. Resolve anger issues as
quickly as possible so you can get on with the fun part of life.
There are of course circumstances that are beyond getting over where
protection must be sought. Don’t wait to get help for these types of
If you happen to be an adrenalin junkie there is hope for you, but
again it’s a decision you must make for a change. You can seek out
professionals and groups that will teach you how to cope with the
loss of the love drug in your system. Just so you don’t think hope
is lost, you can get a rush from the chemicals even after being in a
long term relationship; it’s just not a daily dose or the same
quantities and is actually much more satisfying.
*The dictionary defines passion and infatuation as: “A powerful
emotion, such joy, hatred, or anger.” And “An object of extravagant,
*Love is defined as: “A strong positive emotion of regard and
affection.” And “Any object of warm affection or devotion.”
Devotion is a wonderful characteristic of true love. Devoting your
time, energy, and resources to better the life of the one you love.
*Reference: Random House Pocket Dictionary.
Jaci Rae author of:
Winning Points with the Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time