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True Nightmare Dates by Kelly Jones

3 strikes and you're out!

There's nothing like a dreadful date to make you wonder why we bother making the effort to meet new people, putting ourselves out there again and again.

Sure, deep down we know it's about sex, love and ultimately a fulfilling long-term relationship. But those earth-shatteringly atrocious dates can make you question if it's really worth it.

Rather than moan about it, though, I think we should celebrate it. Laugh about the terrible trysts and move on. Herewith, a few bad date stories I've collected over the years. Hopefully they'll make yours seem a little less horrific.

The Blind Date

Blind dates provide some of the best fodder for bad date stories. The pressure of dating is multiplied by the absolute zero connection shared by blind daters.

Take my friend Leda, a confident, successful 30-something businesswoman looking for a likeminded partner.

A while back, a friend set Leda up on a blind date with her coworker. It starts off with him showing up an hour late -- because he fell asleep playing videogames in the basement of his parents' house… where he lives. Sadly, the physical attraction is nil, but Leda decides to see it through.

He's a bit nervous and he clumsily spills his red wine all over the table and her new jacket. In trying to save the rest of her outfit, his hand knocks Leda's phone from the table, shattering it into a gazillion pieces.

Then, after 90 minutes of torturously awkward dinner conversation, the bill comes. Leda is pleasantly surprised when he picks up the tab. She's not surprised when his credit card is declined and she's forced to pay.

Just when she thinks the date is mercifully over, Mr. Wrong asks her for a ride home -- to the 'burbs. He even goes in for a goodnight kiss! The next day he emails her for another date.

What a surprise when she refuses. "Great fun to meet you," she writes, "but I think I will take a pass." She tells me her motto: "When someone strikes out three times in a row, they are OUT!" It was a kind of Mastercard moment:

1 ruined jacket: $80; 1 busted cell phone: $230; 1 meal on Leda: $110; Never seeing his face again: Priceless

The Bad Sex

Sex can be comedic at the best of times but add the complications of dating to the scenario and you have the makings of a bad experience. Like my friend Alice, who had been going through a bit of a dry spell.

She was anxious for some action, to put it mildly, so she asked out this guy at work that she felt some chemistry with.

They went for drinks and checked out a band they both liked. She's loving the guy and takes him home.

They rip each other's clothes off, and she looks aghast at the place where a penis should be. In its place she sees a small -- very small -- pyramid-shaped thing.

She figures she'll make the best of it (size isn't everything and besides, she's already there), but the pyramid isn't doing much for her. No newcomer to faking, this particular performance is Oscar-worthy. There's moaning. There's groaning.

There's writhing and contorting. She's not sure exactly when he pulled out, but when she sneaks a peek to see how close he is to finishing, he's clearly not that impressed.

"I was mortified," Alice tells me, "especially since I had to sit across from him in board meetings at work all the time." Needless to say, there wasn't a second date, and things were pretty frosty at work.


 

This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed. Reprinted With Permission


 

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