There are very few
articles and resources addressing the topic of jealousy. I have come to the
conclusion that this is merely because people don't know what stance to take
on the situation. Everyone has been on both sides of the fence. Most of us
have experienced a jealous lover and many of us have been in a relationship
where we curiously find ourselves being insecure and jealous by nature. On
one hand you want to condemn the abhorrent behavior exhibited by jealous
partners while on the other hand you might be able to sympathize. I have
decided to courageously announce my decided opinion. Jealousy is just
another euphemism for psychotic behavior.
Without going too far into the psychology of jealousy, you should understand
that jealousy is not an innate feeling that we are all born with; rather it
is a learned response that people have developed over time to deal with
certain situations. We all have the ability to feel anguish and emotional
sorrow, and jealousy is one way we cope with these feelings. Jealousy can
rear its ugly green head at any time. You never know what will set it off.
Some people can be completely at ease with one lover and insanely jealous
with another lover. People have the potential to get jealous for a multitude
of reasons. They might have low self esteem, have been rejected or betrayed
in the past or feel insecure about their body or looks to name a few.
I would venture to say that a small amount of jealousy in any relationship
is normal. It might even be considered a good thing because it shows that
deep emotions are tied to this relationship. But jealousy should not be
confused as a sign of love. Severe jealousy is the exact opposite of love.
Emma Goldman, an early 20th century writer, claimed that “Its (jealousy) one
desire is to punish, and to punish as severely as possible”. She was very
right. There are obvious big, bright and bold lines that are crossed all too
often. You have probably dated one of these line crossers; I have dated more
than enough. This is when jealousy becomes apparent psychotic behavior. Your
lover begins to assume that you are cheating on some level or another and
you are being dishonest almost every day. Soon you get to the point where
that person is doing a stake out of your home, following you around like a
private eye, breaking into your email accounts, slashing your tires and
smearing chocolate cake on your door (Yes, someone actually smeared cake on
my door in a jealous rage). When you get to the point where you can not even
say one word to a member of the opposite sex at a party because you fear the
inevitable wrath which will follow from your lover when you get home, your
relationship is in jeopardy.
When people exhibit
these jealous rages, they are only destroying the relationship they
are trying to save. People use jealousy as a legitimate weapon of
defense to protect what is rightfully theirs. Jealousy attempts to
prevent the annihilation of love, but it only helps it along.
Experiencing these jealous rages will also further lower your self
respect because it causes you to stoop to the lowest of acts. It
destroys more than just the relationship. “Jealousy is invariably a
one-sided, bigoted accuser, convinced of his own righteousness and
the meanness, cruelty and guilt of his victim”. Although the jealous
person wants to keep the relationship intact, the intentions of
showing these acts of jealousy are to maliciously hurt the other
person. Obviously, these uncontrollable acts used to salvage the
relationship do not work. They only cause the other person to
retaliate in disgust making the situation even worse.
So how do you deal with jealousy? That is the big question. For the
insanely jealous person, the best thing you can do is recognize that
your jealousy may be unfounded and then open the lines of
communication. Instead of brooding on thoughts of infidelity, simply
tell your lover how you are feeling as soon as you start feeling
that way. You should have these feelings immediately put to ease
when he or she calms your heart. You also need to stop trying to
forcibly fuse your relationship into one being. The best
relationships are created through the bonding of two separate
individuals. If you are dealing with a jealous person whom you want
to stay with and love, then you are going to have to learn not to
get drawn in to these petty jealousy arguments, do not retaliate, do
not take any blame, do not let the freak outs get to you when they
occur and do not assume that he or she will change any time soon. To
help get rid of jealous behavior you must leave all of your doors
open. Meaning, you must not keep anything hidden or locked away for
your love to get suspicious or distrusting over. Couples therapy,
although expensive, is a viable option.
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