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 What is the most
infamous male stereotype when it comes to
dating? Certainly the one
about men trying every trick in the book to get a woman to sleep
with him has to head the list. No need to elaborate. There are
plenty of web sites that I can refer all y’all to (regardless of
gender) if you want to see how that works. As we touched upon in the
last newsletter, there are plenty of “pick-up artists” specializing
in helping men tune up their trickery.
The truth is, however, that men don’t necessarily have the market
cornered when it comes to keeping their intentions under the table.
Women are quite capable of their fair share. My belief is that the
most common brand of dating trickery proffered by women tends to fly
under the radar a bit easier, however, and therefore is hardly ever
(if at all) called out. Since women are a bit more subtle about all
of this, I’m going to focus the majority of this newsletter on
understanding their side of the equation. After all, male trickery
is altogether too obvious…which continues to cause me sheer
amazement at how often women fall for it.
So what about the women? What do I
mean?
Here it is. Just like men try to trick women into sleeping with them
way too early in the relationship, women tend to try to trick men
into exclusive commitment way to early.
It’s absolutely true.
And a woman has the ability to equip herself with a formidable set
of tools when it comes to this stuff. Just like a woman can find
herself in a man’s bed and wonder how she got there, a man can very
easily find himself in an exclusive relationship he may not have
been ready for, and with a woman who may not even have been his
first choice!
How does she do this? Here are some examples of the tactics
involved:
1) The Ultimatum
This is the most objective approach. If a woman knows the man is
interested, she will simply level an ultimatum. This may happen as
soon as the woman realizes the man wants her sexually. In this case,
the woman pulls every option off the table other than committing to
her or walking away. This is unfair, of course, because it plays on
a man’s physical attraction in order to drive emotional involvement.
2) Extended Planning
She’ll buy tickets for a concert that’s a month away. She’ll invite
him to join her for some killer party that’s a few weeks (or
months?) off. If she can get him to make some financial “buy in”
(e.g. ticket price, renting a tux, etc.) then he’ll be more likely
to stay around. In fact, the concept of commitment based on
financial involvement is a well-known marketing principle. Here, as
in so many facets of dating, sales tactics translate directly into
relationship strategy. Watch for a future newsletter (or how about a
podcast?) on that one.
3) Common Secondary Commitments
This is something like “Extended Planning”, but with a subtle
difference. Here we are talking about ongoing partnerships rather
than one-time events. She may sign them both up for six weeks of
salsa lessons. They may join a dinner party group with other couples
knowing that it would be a major embarrassment to have to sever ties
in the event of a breakup. If she’s really astute, she’ll buy them
season tickets for his favorite team…nice.
4) Marking Territory
As soon as a man invites a woman into his private domain, he opens
himself up to the female ritual of “territory marking”. If she’s
hanging out at his house and riding in his car, bear in mind the
possibility that she may be interested in staking her claim to those
places vis-à-vis other women in his life. Most of us know about the
“perfume on the pillow” trick, where a woman sprays her perfume on a
guy’s pillow so he can “think of her” when he’s sleeping. But that’s
just one of a myriad of ways that a woman can make it improbable, if
not impossible, that another woman would feel comfortable in his
home or car.
She can leave a change of clothes on his dresser, just in case. She
can change shoes in his car and “accidentally” leave them behind the
passenger’s seat in the back. She can smear makeup in places he may
not notice but another woman would be sure to. She can brush her
hair in the bathroom, all but making sure strands of her hair land
in places where other women might notice it. And my all time
favorite—she might “forget” and leave her earrings on the end table
in the living room (or some other place you’ll never see until the
next time guests are over).
Whatever happens, you can be sure if it’s done right most guys will
be potentially horrified to invite other women over (although they
shouldn’t be, which is the topic of some other future newsletter).
5) Key Introductions
He is introduced to all of her friends. He may even meet her
parents, feeling like he’s suffered whiplash given how sudden it
was. She may even, if she’s mastered the tactic, proactively seek to
make friends with his friends. This is a particularly powerful
approach that, if successful, means she has all but inextricably
woven herself into his life. And if he ever tries to break up with
her, imagine the effect of his own friends calling him to tell him
how wrong he is. Out of hand.
6) Gifts
She may buy a guy something nice. Depending upon the limits of her
personal resources, we may be talking about something really nice.
Guys famously tend to use this tactic on women, thinking that they
can buy their way into a woman’s heart. Well, when a guy does
something like this it generally backfires. Some women are creeped
out by it, some women refuse nice gifts seeing potential ulterior
motives behind them, and others simply take the gifts and offer only
a “thank you” in return.
The interesting part, however, is that a woman who knows how men
think with regard to this process can capitalize upon it to drive
commitment from a man. Think about it—a man attempts to barrage a
woman with gifts because he thinks it will help earn her affections.
Why does he think like this? Simple. Because it would work on him.
If a woman realizes this, she knows she has an angle with which she
can get him to commit.
The problem is that although gift-giving works on a man, it’s not
for the expected reason. Rather than driving a warm-fuzzy nesting
reflex, it just flat-out makes him feel guilty if he dumps her after
getting such cool stuff from her.
So what’s the common thread here? Not surprisingly, the end result
is likely to be the same for tricksters of both the male and female
persuasion. In either case, if the end goal is reached it’s nothing
more than an empty, Pyrrhic victory.
The moral to this
story? Save the tricks, be up-front, take things
at a mutually-acceptable pace…and have a symmetrical relationship
based on depth rather than guilt or pressure.
Scot McKay's dating strategies for those who
refuse to settle for anything less than the ULTIMATE relationship are found
at:
www.deservewhatyouwant.com
Stop by right now and grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for
the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with unique and
practical dating tips. |
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Scot McKay author of:
'Deserve What You Want'
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