Christmas
has touched our heart as it does every year. It is the season when
people show the best of humanity. During this season we step up to
the plate. At no other time are we so compelled to make donations,
adopt a pet, tip the waiter and let others change lanes. We are
ready to connect and share our love. Christmas is the season of
relationships and a time when we take stock. For singles, having no
“significant other” with whom to share Christmas can be a paramount
concern.
This year
again, many couples that have lived in emotional distance were
trying to bridge the gap. However, their efforts to re-connect
competed with the material and social distractions of the holidays.
Before they knew it, they “toasted-in” the New Year and got back to
their old ways. Let’s make Christmas count and carry our love and
compassion forward. Let’s give of ourselves, instead of giving
things.
Let’s care
about others, instead of ourselves. Let’s give our hearts to those
we love. Love is always right in front of us and it is up to us to
embrace it. How do we prevent ourselves from getting back to our old
ways? How do we stop resentment and anger from sneaking into our
relationships again? Many couples need to overcome the vicious cycle
of unresolved conflict and rekindle the flame. Regardless of who we
are, most of us are yearning for more respect, compassion,
closeness, intimacy and sex.
Many are
familiar with this scenario: after two years of dating Andy and
Silvia moved in together. The initial excitement soon became
overshadowed by arguments and resentment. It also became unusually
quiet in the bedroom.
What
extinguished their flame? Surprisingly, they each have a different
perspective of what went wrong:
Andy: When I come home I want to relax. It irritates me when Silvia
chats on the phone with her friends. I can’t cook and take-out is
fine. Silvia is into health food, exercise and conscious living. She
wants to discuss politics, social issues and our relationship.
Nothing is good enough for her anymore including me. We used to have
fun, but now everything is an effort.
Silvia: I
want to do things and experience life. I want to grow with my
partner. Andy wants to hang out and unless Andy opens his mind, our
life will consist of work, TV, take-out and silence. No wonder I
talk to my friends or go to the gym by myself. I feel distant from
Andy and have lost the connection.
Andy and
Silvia seem to have different expectations, values and goals. This
is common after the initial excitement has worn off. Andy is tired
of talking and Silvia is exhausted from trying. Blame has taken the
place of communication. They need to talk about to what extent they
are both willing to change. What are they willing to do for their
relationship?
Along the
same line is a phenomenon involving baby boomer couples. After 20
years of marriage with children gone, women seek more emotional
connection and romance with their husbands. The debate goes
something like this:
Barbara: I
work part time. Our son studies in Australia and most of my family
live in Holland. My husband Mark works long hours and most weekends.
He comes home exhausted and wants to be left alone. I wonder why I
am married?
Mark: Why is
she complaining? Can’t she appreciate that I am doing the best I
can? I am not sure what all this relationship talk will do, except
make me angry and frustrated.
In our
examples, both women are missing a vital part in their relationships
and both men feel criticized. Both couples are frustrated and unable
to foster positive change. It is all about change! We need to change
and become better people for each other. Relationships change and we
need to change because of them! In the movie, Notebook, Noah said:
“If it is love, it weakens your soul and you grow stronger in love.”
A great line for a movie, but in real life, it scares us! In our
relationships we need to be vulnerable and emotionally available to
each other. In our restless and distracting lives, we view our
relationships as a static fixture. It should just be there! In
truth, we cannot be in a relationship and simply ask: Take me as I
am!
Relationships require us to change. Here are some fundamentals about
change:
• The world changes and you must change with it!
• Your life changes, you must change because of it!
• Your relationship changes and you must change for it!
If we are
unwilling to change, we will be left out of the world, life,
relationships or all three together. Every time things change, our
soul is weakened, allowing us to adjust. We need to be consciously
aware of these changes. Unfortunately most of us ignore changes
hoping that they go away. This is particularly dangerous in
relationships. We take positive changes for granted and hope that
negative changes will disappear. When they don’t, resentment and
anger grow.
For Andy and
Silvia dating was a lot more fun. When their lives changed they
didn’t adjust. Instead of dealing with these changes, they both
blame each other. For Barbara and Mark life has changed and so have
they. Their relationship needs to be tuned-up to reflect these
changes. We maintain our cars, appliances and computers, because
they have to function.
Yet, we
expect our relationships to function without maintenance. The
reasons are simple: relationship maintenance requires vulnerability
and the willingness to change. When we expect our relationship to
function, like a computer, we missing the point. In relationships we
do one of two things: we either grow closer together or further
apart. But never do we stay the same.
Ideally, we
grow closer, but the opposite happens. We get busy, distracted,
stressed and are no longer in tune with each other. The emotional
bond is replaced with emptiness. Resentment and anger grow and we
feel lonely. This is the prefect breeding ground for affairs,
divorces and loss of respect.
The secret
lies in the emotional connection. Emotionally connected partners
solve problems, have better sex more often, argue fairly and respect
and trust each other. Yes, we need to change for our relationships
and be emotionally vulnerable. We need to let the other in all the
way, not just to the front door. If we don’t, we will never know the
power of emotional closeness.
This year
lets be emotionally close, really close, sharing our fears, dreams
and hopes. Lets show our real self, the only person our partner can
ever truly love. We will be richly rewarded, but we must take the
first step, even if we can’t see the whole stairway.
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