I talk a lot in these articles about how guys can become great in bed...
but let me turn this around for a minute:
What makes a WOMAN great in bed?
If you said: "She gives her all," I'm sure you're not alone, and I'm sure
there are a lot of other answers along similar themes of what she does
But at the end of the day, I think what most men think of as "great in
bed" comes down to enthusiasm.
The main thing most guys DON'T like is a girl who just lays there like a
starfish. You want a girl who gets INTO it. Who digs what you are doing, and
lets you know by making a lot of sexy noises.
I sometimes hear guys complaining about some girl that they were with,
and how she just laid there like she was bored.
Let me let you in on a secret. Whenever I hear a guy say something like
that, I can't help but wonder, maybe that's because she WAS bored?
See, a woman once asked me, very directly, if I was any good in
Now, what I DIDN'T tell her was, "baby, I wrote a book on the subject,
come home with me and I'm gonna rock your world."
First of all, that would have been a dumb-ass thing to say, and women
hate guys that brag about any of their accomplishments or possessions, it
just makes you look incredibly insecure.
But also, I didn't say that because it's not necessarily true.
See, I really believe that "skills and techniques" are fine,
but truly great sex comes from compatibility.
It takes two.
So, I'm thinking when those guys said the girl was just lying there
looking bored, well, maybe it wasn't the girl's fault at all.
It takes two.
Now, personally, I really, really like it when a girl totally loses
control of herself from coming so hard, that she just screams her head off.
That's MY idea of a woman who is good in bed.
But, let's face it, unless she's faking it, that means that for her to
be good in bed for me, I've got to be good in bed for her.
Now, if you are fairly experienced in the bedroom, you might be saying
to yourself right now, "wait a minute, Alex, some girls are just shy, they
don't make a lot of noise no matter how hard they come."
Yeah, I know the type, the girls that just breath harder and faster when
they have an orgasm, but, for one reason or another, they don't "let it out"
and get their scream on. Well, I make them scream. And you can too.
Here's the thing, when a girl is not screaming she is
holding herself back. And even though she may think she's really getting off
and that she doesn't need to make noise to prove it. The truth is, because
she is holding herself back, she is probably NOT experiencing orgasms that
are anywhere near as powerful as she is capable of.
In fact, she may not be experiencing a true orgasm at all.
I have been with women who THOUGHT that they had orgasms, but really,
they were just feeling a lot of sexual excitement, which felt really good,
and so they figured, hmm, that must be what orgasms feel like.
It didn't occur to them that maybe there was something else, something
bigger, that they were not experiencing.
It wasn't until I had actually brought them over the edge that they
realized, "Oh my God, so THAT'S what an orgasm feels like!"
They didn't even realize what they were missing.
thing is, for many of these girls who had their first orgasm with
me, it wasn't a technique or lasting longer, or anything like that
that made the difference.
It was the act of screaming itself that caused most of them to have
their first orgasm.
Okay, it wasn't the screaming that was DIRECTLY doing it. It was the act
of letting themselves go enough, it was allowing themselves to relax and
just let it out, it was the release of their inhibitions to make noise...
...that simultaneously released their inhibitions to fully experience an
orgasm unlike anything they had experienced before.
In way, having a screaming orgasm is a self-perpetuating cycle for a
It's a feedback loop.
Allowing themselves to scream makes them come harder... much harder...
which makes them scream their heads off... which makes them come harder.
You get the idea.
Unfortunately, you can't get this great result by just saying to a girl,
"okay, I'd like you to scream now while we are having sex."
Doesn't work like that.
The reality is that, in order to get her to let go, I mean really let go
and be completely unselfconscious about it, you are going to have to get her
comfortable enough to surrender over her body, to YOU.
This is a very big deal. And it is why sex is (or can be when it's truly
amazing) so incredibly intimate for women.
Women can't give this incredible experience to themselves. They can only
achieve these heights with a lover, somebody who they can surrender control
It's hard for guys to wrap their brains around, and I've tried to
explain it many different ways.
Maybe this example will resonate:
Have you ever done something with a buddy that you would have been afraid to
Like, maybe you went someplace that you knew was really dangerous, and
if you were on your own, you wouldn't have had the guts to go, and if he was
on his own, he wouldn't have had the guts either, but together, even though
it was still every bit as dangerous, you had the confidence to do it because
you knew your pal had your back.
Well, it's not a perfect example, but maybe it helps you get the idea.
She can't go to this place that "feels" dangerous to her all by
herself. In fact, she can't make the decision to go there, she needs
you to take her by the hand and guide her.
This is probably the most important thing you'll ever read about making
love, and I highly recommend you get more information on the subject by
Never forget that this kind of intimacy and extreme pleasure can be
scary for her. So anything you can do to put her at ease is going to go a
I think it's a good idea to start with MUSIC. It's a simple tip,
but a good one.
Playing music serves two very important roles in this situation:
The first is that if you play it reasonably loud, it gives her some
cover for the noise that she is making. It takes more surrender to make
noise in a silent room than a loud one. It lets her experiment with making
more noise without the neighbors noticing.
The second reason is that music affects our emotions, and it especially
affects women's emotions. And it is through her emotions that she will
eventually reach the point of trust and intimacy to release herself.
What music should you play?
This is important: Play the music that SHE wants to
hear. What YOU think it sexy music is all well and good, but right now we
are working on HER feelings.
Once you've got the music going, the next step is to get her to add her
voice to the music.
If she's already doing some heavy breathing and making small noises, the
next thing to do, as weird as this sounds, is, give her something to say.
In fact, I'm going to be very specific. Tell her to say your name. This
isn't for everyone and it's not a 100% thing, but it can work very
The idea is to make her engage her vocal cords when she is at the height
of her excitement or when she is actually having an orgasm.
Tell her to say your name, out loud, as she is coming, and she might
very well involuntarily SCREAM your name.
Now there is another psychological/emotional reason for having her say
your name, rather than shouting out, say, "Hallelujah!"
For one thing, it is an intimacy builder. It is a nice, bonding thing
for her to associate you and the sound of your name coming out of her own
mouth, to her most profound pleasure.
The other reason is that it gets her out of her "self" and into thoughts
of "you" which will help her to reach the point of surrender that I was
talking about earlier.
For a woman to reach her most amazing peak
of pleasure, she will have to make it "your fault." She will not go
there from her own permission. So putting your name into her
thoughts at that moment sometimes does the trick.
Okay, now we are going to move into some slightly more advanced
One of the most powerful ways to get her to release her inner banshee is
to completely eliminate any hint of your own sexual shyness. Look, it's not
your fault, and nobody is completely free of any insecurities, so this can
be more difficult than it sounds.
Women have very strong intuition, and they sense when we are
But let's face the facts, if you want her to be completely uninhibited
in bed, it is asking an awful lot if you are coming to bed with a bunch of
your own insecurities.
Anything you do that tips her off to the fact that you are not feeling
100% comfortable and in control of the situation is going to work against
What kinds of things will tip her off?
Nervous laughter, any kind of defensive or angry remarks towards her if
anything goes differently than you expected, and any feelings of frustration
are a few.
But the bigger ones are any time you try to do something to make yourself look "cool" or say something to brag.
This kind of thing is a big tip-off for women that you are insecure. The
most secure and powerful thing you can do in the bedroom is to be authentic.
And the other big one is to express passion yourself.
Very few men have the confidence it takes to show their true passion and
really lose themselves in the act of making love. Those that do win instant
trust and passion in return.
You can't fake this kind of thing.
Authenticity is everything.
Because in the end, what you are trying to do is win her sexual trust.
When she sees that you are coming to her with your guard down and all of
your filters turned off, her body will respond to you in ways that you can't
takes only one thing to be really authentic with a woman:
If you follow these simple steps, it should not take long before your
previously shy woman is screaming her head off, waking up the neighbors, and
begging you for more.
Quick warning: some women like to scream "please stop," or "No, no, I
can't take any more," and stuff of that nature. This can often result in
overly concerned neighbors calling the police. You might want to tell her to
shout out your name instead. "Oh my God" is also okay.
And, as I mentioned, this is a pretty good tip for giving a woman who
has never experienced an orgasm, her very first one.
Of course, there is sometimes much more to it than that but the issue is
If you feel like you are ready to learn the really advanced ideas and
techniques for totally mastering a woman's sexuality, and becoming the kind
of lover that women BRAG about, then it may be time to take the next step.
Not every guy is going to ever get there, in fact, almost by definition,
most won't. Ask any woman, and she'll tell you, most men are clueless in
bed, even though THEY think they have it all figured out.